Ladies & Gentlemen of the jury, I gave you ‘Tell me lies, sweet little lies’ to whet your appetites as regards the imbecilic nature of this ban and all that goes with it. Remember folks, we have to have the ability to be able to run apparently, as the country may be abound with mugging type people-aha, got it, they’d mug you for your cigarettes! Anyway, I digress.
Today, the small box arrived, courtesy of the posting person who was dressed in the Royal Mail’s blue & red T-shirt/shorts, with dreadlocks you could sweep the roads with-perhaps he has a second income! I carefully placed my box on the table and prepared coffee in appreciation of this wondrous gift that was sent, obviously, to prolong my life.
First exhibit is a purple birthday card looking thing which screamed “well done*” at me in pale blue script “on taking the first step”. Inside is stuck a credit card type affair which offers me a telephone number ‘for advice & support’. Well, I could ring them and I could advise them, but not just yet. Inside it states that “I’ve made a great start to quitting successfully” (simply by ordering the ‘quit kit’ apparently) and that inside I will find “practical tools to make quitting easier than going it alone”. Good, a hammer to bash walking people over the head with is always useful, a screwdriver for prising their fags out of their pockets equally so, and a small pair of scissors to ‘snip my fag’ at any given time so as to cut down on tobacco usage is ever useful. Alas, upon inspection, none if these items were enclosed-oh well, let’s carry on.
Next up is a gaily coloured pamphlet thing that opens up to A3 size and has a ‘snakes & ladders’ type game on it-without any snakes & ladders (obviously health ‘n safety have stepped in here methinks!) You have box where you can state your reason for quitting (pardon me) [are you likely to forget that then, having already made your mind up to do so?] and then all the days of the month are in a boxed, squiggly stepped design, from Day 1 – Day 28. Each box has a few words of encouragement in them such as (Day 10) “If you haven’t already, let your friends and family know you’re quitting so that they can support you” Ah, so by Day 10 you are already on your knees and the family/friends either buy you a pair of crutches or hook themselves under your armpits so you are able to maintain an upright stance!
Day 17 reveals that “Some people get a cough when quitting, others find a previous cough disappears. Both are normal”. So, smokers who have never coughed can develop a cough (that they never had!) and those that had a cough lose that cough-so whether you smoke or not you can have a cough-how weird!
Day 26 says to “Keep using your stop smoking medicine, even if you’re not having cravings anymore.” So they either want you to stay down the pub (which no longer resembles the atmosphere of a pub) longer or they mean you to keep using that wonderfully useless NRT which has a proven 98.4% FAILURE rate. (I think I’ll just drink at home thanks). And, although Champix/Zyban can be somewhat lethal, you must carry on taking ‘your medicine’. incredible!
Day 28 reveals “You’ve done it!”
Apparently, we are now super-heroes because “What you have achieved is amazing, but if you do lapse just call the number on the plastic, creditless credit card we have provided (and your quit adviser will tell you ‘you are a useless twat, a bloody failure so go back to step 1 and start again. You irritating person, you’ve cocked up our figures now!’ )
Now what I find amazing is that my daily quit chart only goes as far as 28 days, so having failed miserably to quit in that period I now have to wait until next February to quit again-well what other month has only got 28 days in it? The chart does not tell you what to do on day 29, 30 or 31 so those 3 days are a wilderness and must mean the chart is only designed for people to quit in February! Very perplexing this ‘quit smoking crap’.
Next up for the jury to consider are two sheets of stickers that you peel off when you feel that self-congratulations are in order. There are lots of little green crosses (presumably to help you cross the road safely?), lots of sunshine stickers, cloud stickers and rainbows for those who keep weather charts plus fake coin stickers that apparently help you to keep tally of how much you have saved! Well, if you have spent it on something else, to stave off the pangs, like cream cakes, chocolate etc, you’ve saved sweet bugger all and are now approaching Daniel Lambert proportions! The wife doesn’t want you anywhere near her, you can’t fit in the bed and you can no longer even get up the stairs! There are even little ‘Treat yourself’ sticker boxes that look like presents but there’s sod all in them-cheapskates! The second sheet just has silly pictures on them-obviously designed by a 6 year old.
Then comes this repulsive looking beaded bendy thing-I’ve never seen a sex toy like it and I don’t think my beloved was too impressed either! It resembles loads of dry, painted pieces of macaroni (alternating light blue/dark blue) linked together to form some sort of manipulative instrument – for people with broken fingers I would imagine. Perhaps that’s it, if you haven’t given up by the 28th day, the “Quit Smoking” team come round and break your fingers so that you can’t hold a fag let alone roll one up! This hand manipulating beaded sex toy(?) is there to ensure you are fit to quit by next February!
Funnily enough there is a health warning on this piece of apparatus stating “Not for children under 3 yrs”. I don’t know any kids of that age that smoke-do you? Would they break a minor’s fingers if they did-or the parents? Oh, a little card tells me it’s called a “Tangle” to keep my hands busy “over the next few weeks”-so they are going to break my fingers then! Bastards!
Next up is an ‘information wheel’ which tells me how much I’ll save if I smoke between 2-40 a day, but doesn’t take into account my suppliers cheaper rates so that is a load of old cobblers and the other side tells me “How quickly my health will improve”. Now this amused me as, when I posted the 20 minutes window I was informed that “your blood pressure and pulse rate return to normal.” So, if you only smoke a fag every 30 minutes you are giving your body an extra 10 minutes to regain normality-you are doing your body a whole heap of good! Might as well carry on then.
Apparently, I can download a ‘free stress-busting MP3s’-whatever that is-I’ll pass on that and leave you lot to sort out thank you.
Now we get to the interesting part as we have a medical piece of info tucked away at the bottom of the dungheap. It states “There are 3 recommended types of stop smoking medicine: NRT, Champix & Zyban” Would the members of the jury please note the word recommended? Now, I don’t know about you but I find it absolutely incredible that the Dept of Health would advocate the use of proven dangerous drugs such as Champix & Zyban. This just proves that the medical profession (the majority that is) simply don’t care how they achieve the required quit rates just so long as they achieve them. ASH actively support these drugs, but then they would for as far as they are concerned they need to stay in state funded business. The odd smoker taking flying lessons five or twenty floors up certainly won’t bother the likes of Deborah Arnott or Sheila Duffy for they have no heart or soul, they have only ‘one-track’ minds: eradicate smoking/smokers! After all, it is a very lucrative employment they have created for themselves!
If I were a smoker, I’d need a 20 pack just to come to terms with all that lays within this ‘quit kit’ box, it is a minefield-literally in some parts!
The medical profession is supposedly an ethical profession but from what we have seen with smoking bans worldwide is that ethics have no part to play. Science similarly, has taken a back seat as the “cause” is promoted as all conquering. Ordinary men and women are expected to work to assist in our £recovery yet are denied their most basic form of relaxation and pleasure by a leviathon backed by pharmaceutical interests and money.
Therefore, I ask the members of the jury this question: Do we live in a democratic society (within this country) anymore or has pharmaceutical dictatorship taken over as it is only the pharmaceutical industry that can relieve this country’s financial oblivion. How uncaring of its people is this government?
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